[The Edge]

/satire

Hello, I am a patriotic supporter of President Donald Trump who broke into the U.S. Capitol and attacked police officers because I believed the election was stolen and it was my duty to overthrow the government using only a flagpole I picked up along the way and the horns on the cool viking helmet I wore.

I am now being told I have lost my job and might go to prison.

This is an absurd, Orwellian trampling of my First Amendment rights, according to a person I follow on Twitter.

What kind of country are we if an outstanding citizen like myself can be fired, arrested and charged with domestic terrorism just because I livestreamed myself joining hundreds of other freedom fighters in attempting to crush a screaming law enforcement officer before defecating in the offices of Democratic lawmakers? ...

That seems both unfair and tyrannical. I have never once had to face consequences before, so clearly there’s a problem. ...