Hi Warrick,
Thanks for your letter. I see you are in quite the predicament there! Don't worry, you're not alone and we have all been there before.
Fortunately there is a quick fix! You just need to take a trip to your local dick smith and make the following purchase:
http://www.dse.co.nz/dse.shop/en/product/C1240
Additionally, if you need to span a distance of more than 2m, you will need to buy a product like this:
http://www.dse.co.nz/dse.shop/en/product/C1165
With this you will be able to enjoy your downloaded linux isos in full high definition, with audio!
Many thanks
The Computer Janitor